Worry Wart

I know I come across as a confident, put together woman to most who don't really know the REAL me. But I'm not. I'm a worry wart. I worry about EVERYTHING! Seriously. I do. My latest worry stems from money. Not a big surprise in today's economy. But recently my ex took me to court to have my child support reduced. He won. I will be missing $700/month from my monthly budget. That is HUGE for us. Its half of my mortgage payment. HALF! I still can't fathom how a judge could grant that....I mean the man makes $102K/year. I make $27K/year. Now you're taking away $8400K/year from me! What. The. Crap. So worrying about our monthly budget is nothing new to me. My husband knows how much I worry. Its what I do. He tells me to stop worrying and put it in Gods hands. I truly do try. I know God has always pulled us through before. Its hard.

Another thing I worry about is losing weight. I'm fat. I'm not HUGE...but I'm fat. I gained over 20 pounds going through my divorce and was never able to get rid of the weight. I weight 164 and am 5'5". Overweight on any scale you look at. This is a HUGE deal for me. I used to be 125 and have 6 pack abs. AFTER having 3 kids. The depression phase I went through KILLED me. I drank alot and now have a "beer belly". UGH!! I went from a size 6 to a 12! I am so disgusted with myself at times it makes me sick. I have to self esteem and absolutely no will power to speak of. I am so hard on myself for letting me get this way and not being strong enough to get back to a healthy weight for me. So when my husband "isn't in the mood" I take it very personally. And very hard. It makes me sad. What man says NO? Which lays more guilt on me that I should be more attractive for him....he deserves it. He is a very attractive, funny, intelligent, HOT man who deserves at least a cute wife....sigh

Sorry...bad morning for me this morning. I still struggle with my thoughts and feelings.