New Attitude

I've come to realize that I've been looking at my life all wrong!

I got the courts decision in about the reduction in Child Support that my ex asked for. While they didn't give him the full $700, they DID give him $400. Thats a HUGE chunk out of my monthly budget. But I will survive with Gods help! I realized last night that I need to look at my life in a different light. Yes, I'm losing $400/month on an already tight budget but God will help us through. We are in the worst recession in the past 30 years and both my husband and I have good jobs and are earning a decent living. God has blessed us with 4 beautiful, intelligent, HEALTHY children whom we love with all our heart. I have some of the best family and friends a woman can ask for. I am truly blessed more than money can buy. If my ex husband thought it was in his children's best interest to lie on the stand and tell the judge that the reason he agreed to pay for 100% of medical expenses had nothing to do with the fact that he owed me $24,000 in alimony than apparently he needs the money more than I do (even though he is making over $102K/year!). God knows his needs as well as mine. I find it hard to believe he will not reward me for being honest and taking the "high road". Reward me not necessarily with money, but with things money can't buy. I am truly blessed in life. THATS how I have to view this new challenge. Others have it far worse than we do. And even IF we have to sell our house, its only a "thing". We will survive because we have love, each other, but most important...we have GOD! Thank you, Lord!!

Mother Issues

I have mother issues. I don't really get along with my mother (egg donor) all that well (thats probably the understatement of the year!!). You see growing up E.D. was a drug addict. Oh, granted, she didn't go out and shoot up or smoke crack...she did the "high class", "acceptable" perscription drugs. As if that made her any better than Joe Blow out on the street corner. She almost ruined my childhood. I remember times coming home from school as a Kindergardner to an empty house because she forgot I was due home at that time. One time I hid under my bed because I was scared and ended up falling asleep. They couldn't find me for hours and I got in trouble. My mother forgot me and I got in trouble. That never seemed fair to me. Anyway, I was the last of 5 kids growing up. My siblings were 11, 10, 9 and 7 when I came along and I learned pretty quick that I was an "accident". Thats pretty much how everyone made me feel too...like one big accident. I felt everyone hated me (I was right, they did). Without going into the gory details of my childhood..lets suffice it to say the my mother was (and still is) a very selfish individual. Its always "what can you do for me". That bugs me. SHe is always looking to get something out of everyone she can. The woman is 69 years old and thinks the world owes her. She never really grew up.

So when my sister asks me for help with caring for her I truly do try. Its so difficult to be nice to this woman. I know that sounds terrible and makes me feel like such a bad Christian. She is in awful health and doesn't really do anything to take care of herself...she relies on everyone else to take care of her. She relies on my sister to clean, take care of her, etc. I was asked to get her perscriptions filled because she didn't have any money recently. The problem I have is this: If SHE doesn't care about herself, explain to me why WE should care about her? I know thats what is says in the bible, etc...but it also says to not take advantage of people which is something E.D. does every chance she gets. I am very bitter toward this woman and feel awful about it. I guess I am so abrupt with her because maybe I do still love her deep down. I'm always looking for her approval (even now) and never really get it. I love her and don't want her to die - which by the looks of her and her lifestyle will be sooner rather than later. I know when she does die and stands before Jesus on Judgement Day she will have tears in her eyes. FINALLY knowing how much pain and suffering she caused us all. By then it'll be too late to change anything. Why doesn't she see that? Is my family so awful that she can't stand to be around us? I guess its a catch 22...I'm mean to her because she doesn't spend time with my family, she doesn't spend time with my family because I'm mean to her. I just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. I try to be nice...but I swear the woman would drive Jesus to DRINK!

As I said before...I have mother issues!! Please pray for me!

Back to School

School started yesterday for my two middle kids. They are in 7th and 5th grades. I can't believe it. They are getting so big. Where does the time go? Seems like just yesterday they were starting kindergarden and preschool. Then I took my oldest to her Freshman Orientation at our high school. WOW!! That trip blew me away. I cried when the Freshman Principal asked the Class of 2014 to please stand. Thats my daughter...Class of 2014!! 4 short years away!! Holy cow!! Walking around that high school brought back many memories for me. Especially memories with her father since high school is where we met. Things were good back then. However, would I give up my life now for how things used to be with him? NO WAY! I love my husband with all my heart. I truly believe he is my soul mate...my one special gift from God! Dont get me wrong, the ex and I had a good life together once upon a time. But I never felt for him half of what I feel for my husband now. Now I truly know the meaning of "being in love". I am so blessed in my life.

Vacation

In less than 2 weeks I am going on vacation with my mother in law to North Carolina. I am so excited about this trip for two reasons. 1. I LOVE my mother in law and am looking forward to spending time with her. 2. I NEED A FREAKING BREAK!! UGH! I have been so stressed out about just life in general lately. It'll be nice to get away and not worry about kids, money, school, work, etc. My biggest worry on vacation will be Bud Lite or MGD 64?

I meet with my lawyer this Thursday to discuss my upcoming court case. We won our appeal and the judge granted us a new hearing for Child Support. My ex is trying to have my child support reduced by $700/month due to the fact that we have "shared parenting". Shared parenting my ASS! I do the majority of the running around with the kids. I am the one that takes them to practices, games, doctors appts, etc. I am the one the school calls when they get sick. I am the one that stays home with them when they don't feel good. Shared parenting my ASS! Now since I've heard about this $700/month I've been trying to save that money. I can't do it. I can't take $700/month out of my budget and still live. All I can do is pray that the judge understands. I mean, seriously, I make $27,000/year. He makes $102,000/year. We split every equally. 50/50. However, the $200/month tuition is a much bigger chunck coming out of MY $27K than his $102K. I don't understand how this is fair! Just pray that all works out well for me. Christmas is right around the corner and I have no money saved up for gifts right now. Lord, please help us!!

SAHM

I am a former Stay at Home Mom (SAHM). I miss it terribly. When I was married to my first husband, I had the blessing of raising our three children from home. It was all I ever wanted to do in my life. Never wanted to be a career woman, just a "mom". It was challenging having 3 kids under the age of 3 always under foot but I wouldn't change it for the world! We would go to the zoo, watch Barney and Emeril (BAM!). My kids and I would get tupperware and wooden spoons and march around the house in our marching band. We would play school downstairs at their own desks. We went to playgroups, the library for story time, and hung out with other moms and their kids. I could honestly say that was one of the happiest times of my life. I was actually the skinniest I've ever been and had many great (I thought) friends! Somedays I really miss it!

Then the "incident" happened. That triggered my severe bout of depression. I couldn't get off the couch. I gained 20lbs. I didn't go to playgroup anymore, didn't hang out with friends. I was a horrible mother. I needed to leave the marriage. It was a difficult decision to make, the kids were so young (5, 6 and 8). But I couldn't (wouldn't) live that way any more. I left the house and had to get a job. I lost my identity, lost my friends, lost my house and lost my kids half the time. Who was I? What just happened? Where did my life go? WTH?

A month after I left my husband, I got a job - parttime at first. There I met a man that would change my life forever! And a woman that would almost ruin me mentally. J and I started dating 6 months after I started working there and I had no intention of getting serious or EVER remarrying again! HAHA! A year later we were engaged and 18 months after my divorce was final, I became his wife. I was blessed because he welcomed my children with open arms and they fell in love with him just as I did. He was truly sent to us by God!!

I've often said in my first marriage "I would give up the money to be with someone that truly loved me". God heard my prayers - LITERALLY! lol. J and I do not have alot of money and I have to continue to work a full time job to help support us. I feel bad for my youngest daughters (J's daughter) as I feel she got screwed out of the kind of mother I was with the other 3. But we are HAPPY! All of us are happy. We may not have alot of money and going to the movies or out to dinner is a treat that needs to be saved for...but we are HAPPY! We have LOVE in our house! We have GOD in our house. That makes all the difference in the world! Their dad can give them ipods, cell phones, trips to Florida. I can give them a loving, family environment, centered around the love for God and each other. I can give them games of whiffle ball in the front yard, nights of swimming in the pool, and late night talks with mom. I can give them a step dad that truly loves them and is willing to put his life on the line for each and every one of them! I am truly Blessed!

Baseball/Softball

I am a baseball/softball mom. I take offense to being called "soccer mom" (not really..lol). But my kids are all about ball! My girls are in the community softball league and my son is in the community baseball league (baseball nazi's - all of them!!). As much as I complain about having to take them all over town to three different practices, three different games, etc. I really do live for it! I love watching my kids play!! My son has made Allstars again (4th year in a row I believe) because he is a spectacular pitcher and short stop!! He made Omar-like plays at short and has pitched 2 no hitters this season alone. He lives for baseball!! My middle daughter is also an awesome pitcher and short stop. Her nick name is "Spidey" because even though she is little (she's 12 - she's just short..lol) she can pull balls out of the air she has no business being able to catch...she has to use her spidey web! My oldest is in it purely for the social aspect..I understand that. However, she is also a fantastic hitter and great second baseman! Oh..did I mention my husband is coach of Spidey's team too? See? We live for baseball!! My son's team came in second for the Championship game. They played 9 (yes, 9!) innings. It was tied 8-8...they held the other team inning after inning. It came down to the last play, hard line drive to short (my son), he caught it and turned in one motion (see? Omar-like plays!!) and threw a bomb to home. He was seconds from getting the out. The other team scored and we "lost". I say "lost" because in everyones eyes in that park there were two winners that night. Both teams played with heart and both teams can hold their heads up proud!

Tonight is my middle daughters Championship game! I am so excited for her to play. I know they can pull this win off. If they do, my husband is going to let the team dye his hair PINK! What we won't do for softball!! Sigh!

Fathers Day!

I lost my dad 13 years ago this past May25. Fathers Day doesn't get any easier. While I grew up as a child of divorce, I realize my dad did what he could in a world he knew nothing about. While he may not have been a good man to all he was a good dad to ME! When I bacame an adult is when he and I really became close. I miss our talks. I miss our walks. I miss my dad!! He was a wonderful grandpa, too! He couldn't wait to take my then 10 month old out on day trips. Sadly, he never got the chance. You are missed and loved, Thomas Francis Smith, Jr.

My husband had a good Fathers Day (I hope). He is a GREAT man and GREAT dad! I couldn't ask for a better father for my daughter or better stepfather for my other children. He treats all the kids as though they were his very own and was truly sad when he realized we wouldn't be getting the kids last night (Sunday's are usually our scheduled nights). I am so very blessed to have this man in my life. He teaches me so very much about life, laughing and God! Not necessarily in that order. So, thank you, dear, for coming into my life and showing me what a God centered marriage is all about!!

Worry Wart

I know I come across as a confident, put together woman to most who don't really know the REAL me. But I'm not. I'm a worry wart. I worry about EVERYTHING! Seriously. I do. My latest worry stems from money. Not a big surprise in today's economy. But recently my ex took me to court to have my child support reduced. He won. I will be missing $700/month from my monthly budget. That is HUGE for us. Its half of my mortgage payment. HALF! I still can't fathom how a judge could grant that....I mean the man makes $102K/year. I make $27K/year. Now you're taking away $8400K/year from me! What. The. Crap. So worrying about our monthly budget is nothing new to me. My husband knows how much I worry. Its what I do. He tells me to stop worrying and put it in Gods hands. I truly do try. I know God has always pulled us through before. Its hard.

Another thing I worry about is losing weight. I'm fat. I'm not HUGE...but I'm fat. I gained over 20 pounds going through my divorce and was never able to get rid of the weight. I weight 164 and am 5'5". Overweight on any scale you look at. This is a HUGE deal for me. I used to be 125 and have 6 pack abs. AFTER having 3 kids. The depression phase I went through KILLED me. I drank alot and now have a "beer belly". UGH!! I went from a size 6 to a 12! I am so disgusted with myself at times it makes me sick. I have to self esteem and absolutely no will power to speak of. I am so hard on myself for letting me get this way and not being strong enough to get back to a healthy weight for me. So when my husband "isn't in the mood" I take it very personally. And very hard. It makes me sad. What man says NO? Which lays more guilt on me that I should be more attractive for him....he deserves it. He is a very attractive, funny, intelligent, HOT man who deserves at least a cute wife....sigh

Sorry...bad morning for me this morning. I still struggle with my thoughts and feelings.

The Plank In My Eye

I subscribe to several email services that send you daily Bible passages. Within the last few days this same passage has been sent to me:

"Why do you look at the spec in your own eye but do not perceive the plank in your own eye?" Luke 6:41

Occassionally, I will notice God speaking to me through these passages. When I am particularly stressed about something (usually money), God will send me the verses I need to feel peace of mind again. Its amazing. But this time God is telling me to "get off my high horse and take a good, hard look at myself". When I was married the first timeI had become a very bitter, spiteful woman. I didn't like the woman I was at that time. When I met my current husband, I had been knocked off my pedistal and set "straight". I find myself climbing back up there again. The part I love most is the fact that my husband "gently" reminds me about what being a Christian is all about. Even when its the last thing I want to be reminded of. He tells me that this "stuff" just doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. He is so right. I am so lucky to have him in my life. Although he credits me for his walk with Christ, he really is my spiritual leader.

Baseball Mothers are the WORST!

Baseball is taken very seriously in my sons league. So seriously, in fact, I've taken to calling one of his coach's the "Baseball Nazi". Its that serious! Most of the kids have their own bats...they KNOW their own bats...they LOVE their own bats. If you give a kid another bat he will NOT like it, he will NOT hit well with it. Boys know bats. So when a mother came to our dug out last monday and took two of our boys (one of them being my sons) bats back to her dugout under the guise of being "her sons" bats, things got touchy. Our dugout mom tried to get the bats back but before she could get over there Baseball mom put her sons name on these bats in PERMANENT MARKER! I know, right! So when Dugout mom came over she pointed out that her sons name was on them. Then she overhears Baseball mom's son tell her "mom, these aren't my bats, they're the wrong size". ARRGGHH!! So now Baseball mom has to scribble out the name that she wrote on said bats. Unbelievable the things that go through peoples minds. I was a "bit upset" when I heard this story and called Baseball mom out on it. I "nicely" asked her to purchase a new bat for my son since his was now defaced. However, my loving husband has informed me that is NOT a Christian thing to do and to just let it go. He is much better at that than I am. And while it made me feel like a fool (not his intention, I know) I do realize he was right. I told her to forget about the bat. My husband is obviously not a SMITH...my sisters both agree with me.