Friday, August 27, 2010

Mother Issues

I have mother issues. I don't really get along with my mother (egg donor) all that well (thats probably the understatement of the year!!). You see growing up E.D. was a drug addict. Oh, granted, she didn't go out and shoot up or smoke crack...she did the "high class", "acceptable" perscription drugs. As if that made her any better than Joe Blow out on the street corner. She almost ruined my childhood. I remember times coming home from school as a Kindergardner to an empty house because she forgot I was due home at that time. One time I hid under my bed because I was scared and ended up falling asleep. They couldn't find me for hours and I got in trouble. My mother forgot me and I got in trouble. That never seemed fair to me. Anyway, I was the last of 5 kids growing up. My siblings were 11, 10, 9 and 7 when I came along and I learned pretty quick that I was an "accident". Thats pretty much how everyone made me feel one big accident. I felt everyone hated me (I was right, they did). Without going into the gory details of my childhood..lets suffice it to say the my mother was (and still is) a very selfish individual. Its always "what can you do for me". That bugs me. SHe is always looking to get something out of everyone she can. The woman is 69 years old and thinks the world owes her. She never really grew up.

So when my sister asks me for help with caring for her I truly do try. Its so difficult to be nice to this woman. I know that sounds terrible and makes me feel like such a bad Christian. She is in awful health and doesn't really do anything to take care of herself...she relies on everyone else to take care of her. She relies on my sister to clean, take care of her, etc. I was asked to get her perscriptions filled because she didn't have any money recently. The problem I have is this: If SHE doesn't care about herself, explain to me why WE should care about her? I know thats what is says in the bible, etc...but it also says to not take advantage of people which is something E.D. does every chance she gets. I am very bitter toward this woman and feel awful about it. I guess I am so abrupt with her because maybe I do still love her deep down. I'm always looking for her approval (even now) and never really get it. I love her and don't want her to die - which by the looks of her and her lifestyle will be sooner rather than later. I know when she does die and stands before Jesus on Judgement Day she will have tears in her eyes. FINALLY knowing how much pain and suffering she caused us all. By then it'll be too late to change anything. Why doesn't she see that? Is my family so awful that she can't stand to be around us? I guess its a catch 22...I'm mean to her because she doesn't spend time with my family, she doesn't spend time with my family because I'm mean to her. I just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. I try to be nice...but I swear the woman would drive Jesus to DRINK!

As I said before...I have mother issues!! Please pray for me!

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