Worry Wart

I know I come across as a confident, put together woman to most who don't really know the REAL me. But I'm not. I'm a worry wart. I worry about EVERYTHING! Seriously. I do. My latest worry stems from money. Not a big surprise in today's economy. But recently my ex took me to court to have my child support reduced. He won. I will be missing $700/month from my monthly budget. That is HUGE for us. Its half of my mortgage payment. HALF! I still can't fathom how a judge could grant that....I mean the man makes $102K/year. I make $27K/year. Now you're taking away $8400K/year from me! What. The. Crap. So worrying about our monthly budget is nothing new to me. My husband knows how much I worry. Its what I do. He tells me to stop worrying and put it in Gods hands. I truly do try. I know God has always pulled us through before. Its hard.

Another thing I worry about is losing weight. I'm fat. I'm not HUGE...but I'm fat. I gained over 20 pounds going through my divorce and was never able to get rid of the weight. I weight 164 and am 5'5". Overweight on any scale you look at. This is a HUGE deal for me. I used to be 125 and have 6 pack abs. AFTER having 3 kids. The depression phase I went through KILLED me. I drank alot and now have a "beer belly". UGH!! I went from a size 6 to a 12! I am so disgusted with myself at times it makes me sick. I have to self esteem and absolutely no will power to speak of. I am so hard on myself for letting me get this way and not being strong enough to get back to a healthy weight for me. So when my husband "isn't in the mood" I take it very personally. And very hard. It makes me sad. What man says NO? Which lays more guilt on me that I should be more attractive for him....he deserves it. He is a very attractive, funny, intelligent, HOT man who deserves at least a cute wife....sigh

Sorry...bad morning for me this morning. I still struggle with my thoughts and feelings.

The Plank In My Eye

I subscribe to several email services that send you daily Bible passages. Within the last few days this same passage has been sent to me:

"Why do you look at the spec in your own eye but do not perceive the plank in your own eye?" Luke 6:41

Occassionally, I will notice God speaking to me through these passages. When I am particularly stressed about something (usually money), God will send me the verses I need to feel peace of mind again. Its amazing. But this time God is telling me to "get off my high horse and take a good, hard look at myself". When I was married the first timeI had become a very bitter, spiteful woman. I didn't like the woman I was at that time. When I met my current husband, I had been knocked off my pedistal and set "straight". I find myself climbing back up there again. The part I love most is the fact that my husband "gently" reminds me about what being a Christian is all about. Even when its the last thing I want to be reminded of. He tells me that this "stuff" just doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. He is so right. I am so lucky to have him in my life. Although he credits me for his walk with Christ, he really is my spiritual leader.

Baseball Mothers are the WORST!

Baseball is taken very seriously in my sons league. So seriously, in fact, I've taken to calling one of his coach's the "Baseball Nazi". Its that serious! Most of the kids have their own bats...they KNOW their own bats...they LOVE their own bats. If you give a kid another bat he will NOT like it, he will NOT hit well with it. Boys know bats. So when a mother came to our dug out last monday and took two of our boys (one of them being my sons) bats back to her dugout under the guise of being "her sons" bats, things got touchy. Our dugout mom tried to get the bats back but before she could get over there Baseball mom put her sons name on these bats in PERMANENT MARKER! I know, right! So when Dugout mom came over she pointed out that her sons name was on them. Then she overhears Baseball mom's son tell her "mom, these aren't my bats, they're the wrong size". ARRGGHH!! So now Baseball mom has to scribble out the name that she wrote on said bats. Unbelievable the things that go through peoples minds. I was a "bit upset" when I heard this story and called Baseball mom out on it. I "nicely" asked her to purchase a new bat for my son since his was now defaced. However, my loving husband has informed me that is NOT a Christian thing to do and to just let it go. He is much better at that than I am. And while it made me feel like a fool (not his intention, I know) I do realize he was right. I told her to forget about the bat. My husband is obviously not a SMITH...my sisters both agree with me.

Confirmation

My oldest daughter will be making her Confirmation this year. We had a meeting at our church last night with all of the 8th grade students from our parish. At one point in time I knew most of the kids in our parish from being a CCD teacher and my children going to school there. I didn't recognize half of these kids. When my daughter pointed out an exboyfriend of hers across the room I almost fell off my chair. "When did he get so tall?" I asked this question as I turned toward my daughter and realized I was staring into her eyes. We were both standing. Oh boy..."when did YOU get so tall?" I can't believe these kids are so grown up. It seems like just yesterday my daughter came running off the school bus from her first day of kindergarten with a BIG grin on her face. Now she is becoming an adult in the eyes of the church. Where does time go? Then a friend of mine pointed out that this is only the beginning of the road for me as I have 3 other kids to go through this with. She lovingly pointed out that I will be 48 when my last child goes through Confirmation. Thanks, friend!!